I realised today that I have lost my belief in myself.
When it comes to other people, in particular their writing, I have a gift of encouraging them to try, to keep going, to succeed. Three people have now gone on to write more than one fiction book because of my support and gentle encouragement. In that same time, I have only written part of my first fiction, and it has laid untouched for over a year.
I feel lost. I need someone to do for me what I do for others. To guide me, support me, challenge me, encourage me… to be a ‘team’ with me. I can’t motivate myself… I’m just not that kind of person.
I can’t ‘sell’ myself as one of my writer friends can. She takes on new courses or challenges so often and it leads her to results. She is inspiring! She has this amazing belief in herself. I don’t have that same belief in myself. She goes out there boldly and finds a way to open up opportunities for herself and others. I’m not brave like that. She has been the reason for most of what I’ve done to edit and publish stories for others and books for some. Now she is moving away after 7 years.
When I was at school, many years ago, I was explosively creative. Writing plays, a movie script, filming part of the script. I wanted to be a TV Director and Producer, so I applied for NIDA… once. Instead of applying again until I was accepted, I got a boring job in a Bank and that was the end of it.
I had no-one there to encourage me to try again. Just that one person who believed in me and in my dreams was all I needed to keep me going, but they were not there. I still need that now, more than ever.
I would say the most creative I have been recently was the five years I edited the Sonic Screwdriver Magazine for the Doctor Who Club of Victoria. What I achieved then was amazing, but it only happened because I had another person working with me as a partner. Just as there would never have been any ABBA songs if Benny and Bjorn had not been led to work together, the same is true for what we did with that magazine. That’s how I work best, as part of a team of two, sometimes more.
Maybe it’s just me struggling to see ‘the wood for the trees’ as they say. Maybe my eyes have slipped below the waterline and I’m struggling to get my head back above water. Maybe it all seems and feels far worse than it really is…
But one thing is clear; I need someone to believe in me now. Someone to believe in my gifts, show enthusiasm for what I write and create, to gently support and encourage me to succeed.
I do it for others. Is it too much to ask that someone does the same for me?
Michael Young 2019